138 - Personality Cult and The Donkey Bloggers (Balakan, Azerbaijan)
"We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be."
— May Sarton
My gracious Peace Corps-ing Zaqatalan hostess (Löki) and I hailed a marshrutka (fixed-route taxicab van) and made for Balakan, a city near the Georgian border. Its dominant feature is the ostentatious central park dedicated to Azerbaijan's late president, Heydar Aliyev. To this day, the man’s spirit haunts the country with a creepy, Heaven's Gate cult vibe. You cannot escape him. Large billboards of his likeness and monuments like the one in Balakan are littered across Azerbaijan.
A recent festival commemorating his birthday involving a shit ton of flowers had just finished, though no one seemed to know the festival’s name. Celebrating a dead president’s birth is one thing, (George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, etc.), continuing to mark his age (his bones turned 87) veers from reasonable patriotic tribute to North Korean Kim Il Sung nuttiness. Four years after Kim’s death, he was declared “eternal president of the republic.” Azerbaijan might not be as far into crazy land as North Korea, but the highway exits are on the horizon.
His son Ilham bears the brunt of responsibility for the personality cult. Cynics (i.e. realists) might say his campaign memorializing his dead daddy was deliberate subterfuge to steer focus away from the fact Papà handed Junior the presidency like a baton at an Olympic relay race. Sure, there was an election, but it’s easy to outmaneuver political opponents when none exist. (No opposition candidates allowed.) He stepped down and appointed Little Aliyev the sole presidential candidate. Who's your daddy? Heydar. Heydar’s my daddy. Yes.
If I were Azeri, I could’ve been imprisoned for the preceding paragraph. As a tourist, I was more likely to be arrested, harassed, and then deported. As appealing as that prospect sounded, I played it safe and posted after crossing into Georgia. I’m a pussy. Press freedom is a quaint fantasy. Consider the case of Emin Milli and Adnan Hajizade, the infamous Donkey Bloggers of Azerbaijan. These arch criminals were part of a youth organization (OL!) advocating tolerance and non-violence. Their crime? Staging a satirical press conference spearheaded by a donkey and posting it on YouTube.
Donkey? It all started with a revelation the government had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to import donkeys from Germany, a testament to rampant corruption. To underscore the absurdity, one of these golden asses held a presser to sing the praises of his new homeland and extol blessings for attaining donkeyhood in Azerbaijan.
Not long after posting the video, Adnan and Emin were accosted by “two well-built men” in a Baku restaurant. After reporting the incident to police, they were arrested for “hooliganism,” whatever the hell that means. The official government report stated they were “instigators” of the brouhaha, asserting the arrests were unrelated to the YouTube video and had nothing to do with their political views. Of course not.
What did the duo get for their trouble? Two and two-and-a-half years in prison, respectively. Public pressure and a Facebook campaign garnered international attention, precipitating an early release, but the message was clear. I’d love to say the atmosphere has improved since. I’d love to say that.
