202 - Coffee Rhinos & Addo Elephant National Park (Southeast South Africa)
AFTER A FORCED RETREAT FROM TUGELA FALLS, we drove most of the next day to Clarens. On the way, we passed through Golden Gate Highlands National Park. I’ve read both are lovely. The plan was to camp and explore the national park for two nights, followed by a stay in Clarens. We skipped the park and left Clarens the next morning. Why? Broken record time. It’s the weather, stupid. An employee at our hostel pointed out it was the rainy season. Ya think? I understood but wondered when the building of an ark would be justified. The phrase “cats and dogs” never felt so apt.
So, we saw Golden Gate at night and Clarens early in the morning when it and the exquisite scenery surrounding it were ensconced in fog. Boo. We thought about waiting it out, but so much rain had fallen, there would’ve been little hope of hiking or doing much of anything for that matter. Adios, Clarens.
Another long day landed us in Queenstown, where we checked into a B&B… and then checked right the fuck out. We couldn’t bring ourselves to pay $70 for a room that was mediocre at best. Have I mentioned my disenchantment with overpriced hotel rooms? (Dead horse? Beaten.) You’d have to feel strongly to unpack the car after a day of driving only to repack and skedaddle. We felt strongly. Instead, we discovered a lovely B&B by the name of Peter B for around $40. It was much bigger and had a small kitchen. Sometimes persistence pays off. Sometimes it leads to bitter head-thrashing frustration. Thankfully, this was an example of the former. We needed it. We needed it badly.
The next day, we were off to Graaf-Reinet and.Camdeboo National Park En route, we paused roadside for a cup of coffee and a rhino shoot. Besides national parks and reserves, private game reserves and farms abound. Lucky for us, two fetching white rhinos parked near the fence. Coffee with rhinos. Can’t do that in Upstate New York… probably. Texas? Maybe.
Graaf-Reinet is rather charming (made more so by actual sunlight) and an excellent place to linger for a few days. We found a campsite on the edge of town that was a superb value and had free Wi-Fi. Yes. Not exactly hardcore camping, but enjoyable. We strolled through the town. We spent a morning driving inside Camdeboo National Park and its not-so-desolate “Valley of Desolation.” We had our laundry done. I played with a mutant grasshopper and watched a monkey steal an apple from the backseat of our car. I caught a meter maid trying to screw me out of five Rand… Oh, the simple things. We enjoyed ourselves immensely.
After Graaf-Reinet, we were off to Addo Elephant National Park. Elephants are amazing animals. I was stoked to make their acquaintance. When the park was established in 1931, there were only eleven left. Now, they estimate somewhere around four hundred fifty. Dumbo lives… for now.
We arrived mid-morning, set up our tent near the park HQ (Addo Rest Camp), restocked our supplies in the “town” of Addo (if a petrol station, a market, and a liquor store qualify), and spent the afternoon exploring in the VW Polo Vivo (Safari Edition). The park is 164,000 hectares and splits into three sections, one of which is where you’ll find the majority of larger animals. Over two days, we saw a variety of fauna, including buffalo, warthogs, elephants, flightless dung beetles, ostriches, jackals, a spotted hyena, lions (sort of), kudus, leopard tortoises, zebras, and a shit ton of birds.
Our first day came with a snag. The park’s closing time changes with the seasons and depends on daylight. On that day, the gates closed at 6:30 pm. We didn’t make it. Why? Well, the late afternoon/evening is the best time to spot wildlife. We got a little caught up. I blame the lions. And we (as in me) did something stupid. While heading back, we noticed said lions in a clearing up ahead, but believed erroneously the area was reserved for guests of a tented camp and not open to just anyone.
So annoyed by this was I (how dare you hog the lions), I turned down a road marked “No Entry” alongside the “camp.” I quickly realized the path wasn’t designed with a VW Polo (Safari Edition) in mind. Retreat! We discovered later the clearing forms part of a “hide” (i.e. a place where you can sit behind a wall and peek through special viewing slots designed for the purpose). There’s a waterhole in front to attract animals. I mistook the structure for a private camp. Oopsie-doopsie.
Imagine viewing a pride of lions when you spot a silver Volkswagen out of the corner of your eye inching toward Simba and the gang. Wow, did I deserve to get my ass kicked. No excuses. It was a douchey maneuver. Not only did I risk getting kicked out of the park, but we didn’t get to see the lions close up. All we had to do was park and walk into the hide. D-U-M-B-A-S-S. Big fat stupid dumbasshole. Goddamn Americans!
I also blame the hyena for our tardiness. Our progress was halted once again when we noticed a lone Spotted Hyena walking the road toward us with nary a care in the world. One word: awesome. They look psychotic up close, like they might go ripshit at a moment’s notice. I swear the fucker was laughing at us. We waved goodbye and moved on.
Gate arrival: 6:50 p.m. Locked and deserted. Huh. Soooo, they lock the gate and leave? Yessir. Leslie called HQ and was told by a perturbed woman they’d send someone along, or we’d wait until the scheduled night game drive came to the gate. So, we waited. For fun, we should’ve phoned again and screamed we were being chased by four lions, two elephants, a pack of hyenas, two homosexual chupacabras, My Little Pony, a hive of killer bees, two colonies of fire ants, and a partridge… in a pear tree. But, seeing as we were already the “Asshole Americans,” it was better to refrain.
A gentleman finally showed up with a half-naked child in tow and was none too pleased. He demanded something for his trouble. We felt bad for disturbing his evening, but it felt like extortion. I suppose it was his delivery that chapped my poopchute a teensy bit. We coughed up a few Rands and were on our way. Could it be we were the only dipshits in the history of Addo Elephant National Park to be tardy? Not bloody likely.
Back at camp, we found an older couple had taken the site next to ours. To make a long story short, they both took exception to my parking spot, a spot near their site but in no way encroaching upon their enjoyment of it. I watched in awe as the gentleman erected a tent and placed it right at the rear bumper of our car as if to say, “Get your fucking car off our campsite!” His wife then made it a point to walk between the back of the tent and my bumper while glowering like she was trying to light me on fire using only the power of her mind. Um, ‘kay.
Leslie and I were puzzled. I didn’t realize there was a different place for my car because folks on the other side had occupied the lion's share of both areas. Even so, all they had to do was mention it, and I would’ve been happy to move the Polo. Instead, they both went psycho passive-aggressive on us. That’s one way to handle it. I’m betting their marriage was a great success.
When we understood what was going on, I was more than willing to sip wine and watch the Grumps gradually lose their shit, but the gentleman on the other side came over and said there should be enough room to park. He knew nothing about the groucho twins simmering next to us. Although tempted to savor the moment, I decided it was best to move. Mrs. Miserable begrudgingly thanked me. You’re welcome, m’lady.
Who likes irony? The next morning, I noticed the husband had placed his tent across the road in an empty campsite. I thought this a might queer (as in odd or strange). They must’ve been in the throes of marital bliss to sleep in separate tents. After a few seconds, I understood. The hubby was a snorer. In fact, it sounded like he was felling a rainforest of trees with his respiratory chainsaw. This made me giggle.
The next day, we spent eleven hours driving all over hell and gone. There’s something about being able to self-drive through an area filled with dangerous animals that intrigued the shit out of us. And the best part? We were alone much of the time. It’s only permissible to exit your vehicle at designated lookout points, and then only “At Your Own Risk.” Get out anywhere else, and you could get slapped with a R800 ($120 US) fine per person. Of course, I didn’t notice that warning written right on our map. Oops… again. I may or may not have exited the vehicle to photograph a flightless dung beetle, admire a snail, confirm a lion sighting far off in the distance, and save a tortoise from almost certain death while it was crossing the road. And Leslie may or may not have stepped out to get a closer look at a buffalo skeleton perched on the side of the road… allegedly.
Raging dipshits were we? Perhaps. The park ranger who saw Leslie dismount the Polo thought so. (Luckily, no fine). Still, it’s not as if I got out and tried to dry hump a leopard. I never left the road, and if it’s okay for maintenance crews to be out and about daily (we saw them repeatedly), I’m pretty sure a few moments snapping pics of a dung beetle falls at the lower end of the risk scale. Many would disagree. I just couldn’t help myself. Beetles make me giddy, especially ones that roll gigantic balls of shit everywhere. Proportionately speaking, I would have to roll a ball of my own shit the size of a minivan. Well, it wouldn’t have to be my shit. Any shit would do, I suppose. The point is, dung-rolling beetles are cool.
It goes without saying, but I would not fuck with elephants. On more than one occasion, our car was surrounded by a herd or came perilously close to a large bull. They’re used to vehicles but not people. The danger is slight, but more than once I considered what would happen if Dumbo decided Fahrvergnugen was bullshit and smashed our Volkswagen to smithereens. It was simultaneously terrifying and exhilarating all at once at the same time together. Up close and personal with the planet’s largest land animal? Highly recommended. Bring an extra pair of shorts or try not shit yourself.
I so enjoyed our time at Addo but have to admit, at times, it felt a like we were inside a big zoo. The cages might be invisible but they’re still there. No place we visited in South Africa felt particularly “wild,” and it appeared every inch of land was fenced off. Robert Frost once said, “Good fences make good neighbors.” Of course, he meant the exact opposite. In my heart, I know that fences/zoos are necessary to protect the animals, but it’s that necessity I find so troubling. Poop.
“Let’s talk elephants – African elephants. I’ve been in love with these cute, cuddly creatures for some time now. Prior to landing in South Africa, my only ‘interaction’ with the species had taken place at the Zoo. I did manage to see a few Asian Elephants while traveling in Thailand and Cambodia several years ago; but sadly, they had been domesticated and forced to carry tourists on their backs and eat a crap load of bananas. No bueno.
Luckily, that’s not the case for those living within the national park of Addo. The park was founded in 1931, when only sixteen remained in the area. Today, the population inside the sanctuary is estimated at 550 and growing strong. It is also home to a wide variety of other flora and fauna. Lions, zebras, hyenas – you name it, they’ve got it (including the awesome flightless dung beetle).
We pitched our tent, replenished supplies, and immediately wanted to explore. Over the course of two days, we spent a good 15-20 hours getting ourselves in and out of trouble – that’s just what we do. Throughout the park there are signs telling visitors to stay inside their vehicles. At first, we agreed with this logic, but after seeing several maintenance workers lounging around by the watering holes with their sack lunches, we decided to make an exception… or two. Okay, maybe five or six is more like it, but who’s counting?
Now, before I proceed, I should probably mention that we’re both (somewhat) level-headed, considerate, law-abiding citizens, with enough common sense not to go chasing down a pride of lions on foot or running into a heard of buffalo. When we did exit the car, it was to take a peek at the beetles, snails, and tortoises, while sticking to the road. Does it make it right? No. Do we condone or encourage this type of behavior? Definitely not. Would we do it again? Probably. Are we morons? Eh, on second thought, don’t answer that.
The park hours change depending on the day. While we were there, the closing time was 6:30PM. We had every intention of exiting by then, but just as we were heading out, we spotted a group of lions off in the distance. The clearing was just outside a tented camp and ‘hide’ (a camouflage viewing area), which we assumed was specifically for the guests staying at the camp. Feeling jipped, we did something stupid. Very, very stupid. Instead of kissing our kitty-cat dreams goodbye, we decided to ignore the ‘Do Not Enter’ sign and drive along the camp, towards the back. Thankfully, our Polo couldn’t preform and we were forced to retreat. We’re idiots – what can I say? I’d love to blame Rich, as he was behind the wheel, but I’m equally at fault. Imagine the look on our faces when we later learned the hide is open to everyone. In the end, we got what we deserved.
Our little detour put us behind, so we made a mad dash for the gate. We came flying around a corner when along came a hyena, strutting down the road, without a care in the world. We stopped, rolled down the windows, and stared. Those things are crazy. They could literally rip you to shreds in seconds. Foaming at the mouth, it came within a few feet from us. I could have easily reached out and touched it – surely losing my hand in the process, but awesome to know nonetheless.
With all the activity, we arrived at the gate 20 minutes late. To our surprise, everyone had already cleared out. Locked inside, I called the headquarters to inquire about getting out. The lady on the other end was less than pleased. She said an employee would be sent to unlock the gate or we’d have to wait for the scheduled night drive to arrive. So, unsure of what would happen, we waited. Eventually a disgruntled employee showed up with a half-naked child in tow. He wasn’t about to let us out without receiving a little ‘something’ for his troubles. We assumed this would be the case and scrounged up a few rand. Not enough, I’m sure.
Things took a weird turn, as they often do, when we arrived at our campsite. We had neighbors – very unhappy neighbors. Apparently our car was too close for comfort. We parked next to our site, which was close to theirs, but by no means in their way. They disagreed. Instead of asking us to move, they erected a tent on our back bumper. We sat there side by side, sipping our wine in disbelief, as the wife made it a point to squeeze between the two, as if to say, “F-YOU”. Is it really that hard to come over and ask politely? Had there been another spot, we would have gladly parked elsewhere.
They huffed and puffed for a while. Honestly, we found their passive aggressive display entertaining, which only added fuel to the fire. We discussed the many ways to mess with them, but didn’t, fearing retaliation. Waking up to slashed tires would have really put a cramp in our day. Eventually another couple took notice and asked if we wanted to move to their side. They didn’t have to ask us twice.
Day two can be summed up using one word: AWESOME. Elephants were everywhere. On multiple occasions we found ourselves surrounded – scary and exciting, all at the same time. Watching these powerful mammals up close is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. If you need an elly fix, Addo is surely the place to go.”
Leslie Peralta, “Elephants = Awesome ( Addo National Park)” — Soledad: Notes From My Travels