155 - Happiest Place On Earth (Copenhagen, Denmark)
"Women are like teabags; you never know how strong they are until they're put in hot water."
— Eleanor Roosevelt
BEFORE DEPARTING TBILISI, I MADE TWO CRITICAL ERRORS. I threw my toothbrush in the garbage (unwittingly) and forgot to lock the bathroom door (also unwittingly). The first mistake resulted in a frantic fifteen-minute search. The second traumatized the poor young woman who opened the door just after I exited the shower. A flash of cock and balls was too much. She screeched and slammed the door. Oopsies.
At 4:30 a.m., I was off. President George W. Bush Street leads to the airport. Outside central Tbilisi, an illuminated picture of Georgie bids a fond farewell. His unfettered support of Georgia’s Rose Revolution endeared him to the populace. Oh, what a difference seven years make. I took the liberty of renaming the road “The United States Encouraged Georgia To Push For NATO And EU Membership Then Abandoned It Along With The Rest Of The EU Because They’re All Big Pussies And Didn't Want To Piss Off Mother Russia” Avenue.
On to Denmark. Why Denmark, you ask? Who wouldn’t want to see the happiest place on Earth? Year after year, the Danes sit atop the happiness index. I’d been there before and could attest to its congeniality, though my exposure was superficial at best. And when you’re visiting your 5’ 10” Danish girlfriend, what’s not to love?
Though our affections fizzled, we kept in touch. I was in the throes of an existential crisis and reached out for a sympathetic ear. She invited me to visit. I was hesitant and thought I could sense the same in her voice. My gut advised against it. My hormones overruled. I’m a moron. Thankfully, I had a backup plan.
Courtesy of eCKsplorer
Initially, I was disappointed. I expected to walk out of the Copenhagen airport to find a festival-like atmosphere punctuated with grinning clowns juggling on unicycles while singing in unison with prancing pedestrians making their way along a rainbow-colored path. Nope. Instead, I found a pleasant city stocked with friendly folks and a hospitable atmosphere. Copenhagen is a jewel of urban planning with clean, well laid-out streets and manicured parks. Traffic isn’t an issue, as there are as many people on bicycles as are driving vehicles. The public transport system is second to none, with free Wi-Fi on the buses and trains. The harbors and canals are not only ideal for a stroll, but they’re also clean enough to swim in. I’d hoped to glimpse the iconic Little Mermaid (statue) sitting on top of a rock in the harbor, but the little nymph was in Shanghai for the world expo. I was crushed. In its place stood a television screen with a live feed to the Danish Pavilion at the expo. It’s just not the same.
The depth and breadth of social welfare services in Denmark might be one reason everyone is so fucking happy. I'd be smiling too if healthcare and education were gratis. Need a long paid vacation? Poop out a couple of puppies. By law, women get six months of paid maternity leave with unpaid extensions. Yes.
It's not all gravy. Sky-high taxes make the price of everything astronomical. My ex and I ordered sushi for 1.2 million dollars. (Actually, it was $100 US, but close enough). Want a vehicle? Plan on adding somewhere in the neighborhood of 200% in taxes. (You can pay in cash or body parts.) Income tax is a real punch in the testicles as well. I’m not sure how anyone can afford to do anything. And yet… happier than pigs in shit. Yes.
As mentioned above, I was a moron. Straight up. I dropped in on an ex-girlfriend with a High Fidelity-esque “What did it all mean” attitude. Just to ensure awkwardness, I accepted a half-hearted invitation to stay at her place. Way to think it through. Although I was invited, the experience was akin to an annoying relative dropping by unannounced. I felt like a stray dog who wandered into the house undetected and proceeded to take a voluminous and pungent dump on the couch. This was the atmosphere until about half an hour before I left. It was then I was informed about how much I would be missed and given a warm embrace to underscore the sentiment. Uh-huh. I guess at the last minute she realized the dogshit on her couch smelled pretty good after all. You could say I was bewildered when the train pulled away from the station. Frown.
Still, the visit was worthwhile. I explored Copenhagen, a city I’d long been curious to experience. I cruised the streets on a woman's bicycle while trying to maintain balance, avoid getting hit by vehicles and fellow cyclists, and not rip my balls off on a seat designed for the opposite sex. For the most part, I accomplished my mission, albeit with a little less panache than I might’ve hoped.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t enamored by the female natives. I must admit that after some of the places I’d visited, it was refreshing to encounter such a large volume of altitudinous and attractive English-speaking women. A mere stroll may not jive with my experience, but if you hop on a bike and whiz through Copenhagen during July, they’ll come at you in waves. I was as giddy as a schoolgirl. Maybe next time I'll even talk to a few.
I also had the pleasure of visiting another friend who’d recently had a beautiful baby girl named Sofia. I suppose most babies are cute, but Sofia received a few extra sprinkles of adorable dust from the stork that delivered her.
I reluctantly departed for two reasons: 1) The awkward social snafu, and 2) the prospect of spending a zillion dollars. So, onto Germany for a reunion with another former love interest. I’m dumb.
