173 - Tozeur - Chott El Djerid - Mos Epsa - Ong Jemel (Word Salad, Tunisia)
I’D BECOME COMFORTABLE BEHIND THE WHEEL since leaving Tunis. I was feeling pretty good. And then we entered Tozeur. Patience? Tested. Driving through any sizable city in Tunisia feels like entering a video game, as much for the pure challenge as the surreality of the ordeal. Ever play Frogger?
“Frogger[a] is a 1981 arcade action game developed by Konami and manufactured by Sega. In North America, it was released by Sega/Gremlin. The object of the game is to direct a series of frogs to their homes by crossing a busy road and a hazardous river.” (Wikipedia)
You're not the frog. You’re the asshole the frog is trying (marginally, as it were) to avoid. There’s a shitload of frogs, a chaotic frenzy of frogs modulating both speed and direction in ways impossible to predict. Now pretend the frogs are afflicted with a novel form of “traffic astigmatism” (inability to detect moving vehicles) and don’t possess even a cursory sense of situational awareness. Obliviousness is a virtue, the pedestrian's “right of way” an immutable law of nature drivers are compelled to obey. It’s mind-boggling, a phenomenon you have to experience to fully appreciate. Go.
A visit to Chott El Djerid, a seasonal salt lake (dry most of the year), was our primary motive for a stop in Tozeur. An article in ScienceDaily once described the region as “one of the most Mars-like places on Earth.” Mars on Earth? Count me in. Until Elon gets off his ass and gets me to Mars, this experience will have to suffice.
The road from Tozeur to Kebili passes cuts through the Chott, so the morning after our arrival, we boarded the Punto and blasted off for Mars. The sodium chloride-encrusted, pancake-flat, and sun-scorched landscape is worth every minute you spend there. We touched down roadside and explored the planet’s surface. I’d seen similar topography in southern Bolivia’s Salar de Uyni, although, admittedly, that felt more like central Venus.
Remember Luke Skywalker’s childhood home on Tattooine? The flat featureless backdrop was filmed, you guessed it, on this salt plain. We whiled away hours in the sun conducting an other-worldly photoshoot for dorks. We were so taken with the goddamned place, we returned that evening for a golden hour light show. Yes.
Courtesy of Collective Culture
Against my better judgment, we opted for a 4WD excursion to Ong Jemel (Neck of the Camel) and surrounding area. The Punto, though intrepid in the extreme, was no match for sand dunes… probably. We booked through a guy at our hotel. He was a shady fella. First, we were told the price was 30 dinar ($23) per person. Then, Leslie was informed on the following day it would be 35 dinar a piece. She was instructed not to tell the hotel staff (except for his friend) about our booking. The day of our trip, I was told I could pay after we returned. Then, a hotel employee requested we settle up prior to departure. This, I intuit, was the very man Mr. Shady Acres was trying to circumvent. I’m guessing it had something to do with commissions and/or profit sharing. Before we left, Shady knocked on our door and asked us not to reveal the price to the father and son duo from Holland who’d be joining us. Uh-huh. Translation? Someone was getting fucked. Us? Them? All?
We (me, Leslie, father/son Dutch duo) packed into a Land Cruiser (with driver) and headed to Ong Jemel, the “Neck of the Camel.” This area trumps the nearby “Ass of the Hedgehog,” which isn’t nearly as inspiring. Ong Jemel is named for an elevated rock formation overlooking a barren plain resembling Chott El Djerid.
The route out to the Neck involved some sand-duning a la 4WD, confirming my concerns about the Punto’s inadequacy. While getting a closer look at the Neck, I tried to stand on the Head, but was rebuffed by the Driver. Not exactly sure what he was afraid of (it seemed stable), but I suspect if every Tom, Dick, and Harry went crawling over the outcrop, it might become Headless. Astute movie-goers might recognize scenery from “Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace” and “The English Patient” in the photos. Not too hard to see the area's popularity with directors. In fact, on the way out, we passed an Italian movie set.
It was then on to Mos Espa, Tunisia's best-preserved Star Wars site. Although “The Phantom Menace” was disappointing from a cinematic standpoint, the Jedi within couldn’t help be tickled by the scene. I couldn't find Darth Maul, but I did see a quirky local sitting in the dirt talking to himself. Close enough, I suppose. And just to punctuate the authentic nature of the experience, I enjoyed a refreshing Citrus Fanta in the town center.
We were initially informed we’d be enjoying the setting sun from the comfort of a nearby dune, but somewhere along the way it was decided (by our driver) we should head to the oasis of Nafta. We soon discovered why. Upon arriving near the viewpoint, we were asked if we might fancy a camel ride the rest of the way. None of us were interested. Because of our lack of enthusiasm for engaging in tawdry touristic shamefulness, we were forced to walk. This might seem reasonable until you discover 4WDs are more than capable of completing the last leg of the journey (as shown by the half dozen vehicles parked yonder). It seems we were being punished for our insolence (i.e. not dry-humping a dromedary, thereby violating our driver’s agreement with the camel charmers). What’s the word for “prickbag” in Arabic?
You try your darnedest not to stereotype, but then face a scene that’s categorically undeniable: a small army of camera-wielding Japanese tourists hell-bent on getting the perfect shot. A relentless barrage of shutter clicks welcomed the setting sun. I had all I could do not to turn around and photograph them, nor I couldn’t stifle a smile as we crossed the front line between the assault squad and their subject: two Tunisian men leading a line of camels back and forth for the sole purpose of providing an iconic “sunset camel silhouette” image for Team Japan. If my estimate is correct, I believe each team member shot 1.7 million photos on cameras worth more than my life. The Dutch fellows had an interesting anecdote. The day before, this same group committed blatant acts of cultural insensitivity by chasing locals (notably women) down the street to get a picture sans permission. Kon'nichiwa, muther fuckers.
Leslie and I surmised we’d missed out on a worthwhile sunset experience near Mos Epsa, so we returned the following afternoon. It was an endurance test for el Punto. A road leads to the Star Wars set, built by the movie crew strictly for the convenience of the enterprise. It’s in a state of disrepair, but I thought it was smooth enough to unleash Punto Power. What I had not accounted for was the superior suspension and handling of the Land Cruiser. The road is a sand-packed version of corrugated metal. I came close to turning around, afraid the Punto and/or my testicles might rattle apart. My balls persevered. So did the Punto. I believe it’s the limited “Mutha Fucka” edition. Don’t underestimate the power of the Punto... or the “Dark Side” of “The Force.” Seriously.
After sandbox acrobatic fun time and filling every crevice of my body with grit, we relaxed upon a dune to sip Tunisian wine, curse our driver for depriving us of the moment, and sing the Punto's praises. This may have been a bit premature, as we had yet to return, but all was well in the end. We arrived in Tozeur intact. Yay. It was a good day. No, it was a great fucking day. Ta.
Courtesy of Amazing Places
“With Jugurtha fading in the distance, we made the three hour drive south to Tozeur. We chose to setup shop at the well-appointed Residence el-Arich for a few days. The town itself is a maze of unorganized, overcrowded, and heavily littered streets. Once out of town, however, it’s a much different scene.
Our first full day was spent running around the desolate flats of Chott el-Jerid. This seasonal lake is completely dry most of the year, with a thick crust of sodium chloride coating the top. Scientists consider the area to be one of the most Mars-like places on Earth, and are analyzing it in preparations for future missions. The area is simply stunning; there’s no other way to describe it. I could have camped out for hours, especially since Rich was in model mode. He was a good sport. Jumps, handstands, silly poses; nothing was off limits. We even returned to watch the sunset.
I should mention that Tunisia is well known for being the prime shooting location for Star Wars films. This alone brings loads of tourists to the south. Everyone wants to live out their Luke Skywalker/Hans Solo/Obi-Wan Kenobi dreams in the desert. Since we were in the area, we said what the hell and joined a father and son duo (Team Holland) for a 4WD excursion, arranged by a friendly fellow manning the front desk at our hotel.
At the time of scheduling, we were told the price would be 30 dinar per person. We were also told not to mention our plans to the other staff members at the hotel. This seemed odd, but we went along with it, assuming we were getting some sort of discount. The following day, we were told the price had gone up to 35 dinar due to the driver. This time we were asked not to discuss our price with Team Holland (a request we would obviously ignore). It was apparent that someone was getting screwed; we just weren’t sure who.
The four of us piled into the Land Cruiser around 3pm. Our first stop would be Ong Jamel (Neck of the Camel) located 30km west of Nefta. It was a bumpy ride over dunes and across rickety roads to this remote formation. Apparently this location was Darth Maul’s lookout in The Phantom Menace. To me that means absolutely nothing. I liked the original films, but George Lucas really did a number on the franchise when he released the prequels. Cinematic #@%! is what I like to call it. Yep, I used the S word – sorry Mom and Dad.
After staring at the camel’s neck for a bit, it was off to check out Mos Epsa, said to be the best preserved Star Wars set in all of Tunisia. The site was comprised of several domed huts and a few indiscernible objects. I could see how fanatics might get their jollies from running around a place like this. It has goldmine potential written all over it. It just needs someone with an imagination and deep pockets.
With the sun starting to descend, it was off to the dunes to watch the sunset. We were under the impression that our driver would actually take us to this spot, but oh no. That would make way too much sense. Instead, when we all declined to ride camels, he made the four of us walk the rest of the way. Now, it’s not the walking that bothered us. I actually enjoy a nice stroll from time to time. It’s the mere fact that we paid for a service, and didn’t receive it. His tip went right out the window.
The sunset was nice, but the most memorable part was watching the barrage of Japanese tourists. They paid a guy to walk back and forth with camels in tow, while they snapped photos at lightning speed. Now, I hate to generalize, but if you’ve traveled abroad, you know that the Japanese take tourism to a whole new level. They deserve their own category. Seriously.
The next day we paid a visit to the mountain towns of Tamerza and Mides to check out the ancient Berber villages. We had hoped to hike between the two, but soon realized that wasn’t an option, unless we wanted to fork over a few limbs. Instead we went for a short hike through the canyon below Mides, and enjoyed a nice picnic of Bananas and Almonds (aka miracle nuts).
That evening we decided to do Fiat a favor, and take our little Punto for a test drive. We’re pleased to report it’s fully capable of competing with our previous day’s Land Cruiser. It handled the desert roads (if you can even call them that) like a champ. We found the perfect dune, frolicked about, and enjoyed our $3.30 bottle of Tunisian wine, as the sun disappeared once more. It’s a rough life.”
Leslie Peralta, “The Little Punto That Could” — Soledad: Notes From My Travels