176 - The Great Mos-KAY! (Kairouan, Tunisia)
176 - The Great Mos-KAY! (Kairouan, Tunisia)

fter parking, Mr. Mos-KAY caught up and led us in the opposite direction of the mos-KAY. (I discovered this later). He was, no doubt, trying to steer us to his or a friend's shop. He also tried to tantalize us with the prospect of visiting a shitload of mos-KAYs throughout the medina. His plan fell through when two cops showed up on a motorcycle, forcing him into the shadows, ninja-style. The nice policemen pointed in the right direction but not before warning us (in French) about seedy types like Mr. Mos-KAY.

I regret to report the Great Mos-KAY of Kairouan was underwhelming. The prayer-mat-littered, slightly unkempt condition…Read More

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Tunisia, Batch 30by Mr. Nos T. O'maniacKairouan, El Jem, Tunisia, tunis
177 - Mauritanian Windmill (Tunis, Tunisia)
177 - Mauritanian Windmill (Tunis, Tunisia)

DON QUIXOTE HAD WINDMILLS. WE HAD THE MAURITANIAN EMBASSY. Decision time. Go east or west? Our first choice was Libya, but the embassy wouldn’t see fit to grant anything greater than a three-day transit visa. (Keep in mind, this was when Libya had an actual government and before someone sodomized Gaddafi with a bayonet.) This would not do. We wanted to experience Libya, not blast though like contestants on the Amazing Race. The ideal plan was to spend weeks there, confirming or dispelling our limited (and likely biased) misconceptions of a world pariah.  After that, we’d take Egypt, the land of the pharaohs, by storm, going neck-deep in all kinds of archeological and anthropological nerd shit…Read More

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Tunisia, Batch 31by Mr. Nos T. O'maniacTunisia, Tunis, MAURITANIAN EMBASSY
178 - Visa Confirmation And Bus Ride Titillation (Casablanca to Dakhla)
178 - Visa Confirmation And Bus Ride Titillation (Casablanca to Dakhla)

We filled out the forms littered with ridiculous questions (e.g. the last ten countries visited), paid the fee (340 dirhams), and were told to return at 2:00 pm that day. Although we'd requested six weeks, we received the standard one-month tourist visa. Our visa began the day of our application, instead of the day we entered Mauritania. I guess they assumed we all possessed the power of teleportation. We didn't. Bastards.

Nothing titillates my tits more than the prospect of thirty hours on a bus from Casablanca to Dakhla in the Western Sahara. We could’ve split the journey into legs…

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Morocco/Western Sahara, Batch 31by Mr. Nos T. O'maniacMorocco, Rabat, Casablanca, Western Sahara
179 - The Tweedles (Dakhla to Nouadhibou — Western Sahara/Mauritania)
179 - The Tweedles (Dakhla to Nouadhibou — Western Sahara/Mauritania)

Off we went. My visa anecdote sent tremors of foreboding across the Tweedles' faces. They were lost in a flurry of circumspection. Meanwhile, poor Leslie was the proverbial meat in the Tweedle sandwich, squashed between the big-boned dynamic duo. As for me, I sat shotgun and let my thoughts wander along the desolate landscape characterizing Western Sahara.

Every so often, we’d stop at a Moroccan security checkpoint where our driver would conduct high-level talks that always resulted in a bribe. I only had his word, but this is the modus operandi in those parts…

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Batch 31, Mauritania, Morocco/Western Saharaby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacWestern Sahara, Mauritania
180 - Mauritania Timeline
180 - Mauritania Timeline

3rd-7th centuries AD - Berber and Arab migrants arrive in present-day Mauritania.

9-10th centuries - Empire of Ghana has its capital in present-day south-west Mauritania.

1076 - Berber Almoravid warriors defeat the Empire of Ghana.

1500s - European mariners and traders establish settlements.

1644-74 - Mauritanian Thirty-Year War: Berbers unsuccessful in repelling Arab warriors.

1850s-60s - French forces gain control of southern Mauritania. In 1898 France wins the allegiance of Moors in the region.

1904 - France establishes Mauritania as a colonial territory.

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Batch 31, Mauritaniaby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacMauritania
181 - The Elusive Cap Blanc (Nouadhibou, Mauritania)
181 - The Elusive Cap Blanc (Nouadhibou, Mauritania)

After some signature indecisiveness, we settled on an auberge (French for “inn”), but not before our taxi driver ferried us around town longer than he might’ve hoped. My sympathy evaporated when I discovered he’d screwed us bounteously before parting. He was “kind” enough to exchange our dirhams (Morocco) for ouguiya (Mauritania) at, unbeknownst to me, a preposterously low rate. Wait, a random taxi driver isn't the best place to exchange money? Who’d a thunk it? 

No excuses. We were tired and stupid and couldn't be bothered to give a shit. Not knowing the exchange rate and arriving on a weekend did nothing to assist our cause…

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Batch 31, Mauritaniaby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacMauritania, NOUADHIBOU, downward facing dog, Cap Blanc, Ras Nouadhibou
182 - Oh, Fate, You Fickle Beeotch (Nouadhibou, Mauritania)
182 - Oh, Fate, You Fickle Beeotch (Nouadhibou, Mauritania)

We liked flexibility, but Ahmed couldn’t quite wrap his mind around the fact we weren’t sure how many days we might require his services. We wanted freedom. He wanted specifics. His personality contradictions were too numerous to track, and we couldn't decide if he was deliberately evasive or if cultural and language barriers were to blame. A week after returning from the sandbox, we still didn't know. He would turn out to be an indecipherable enigma, as well as a bit of a conniver.

After throwing around possible itineraries and itemizing costs, we told Ahmed we had to mull it over. So, we mulled and mulled…

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Mauritania, Batch 31by Mr. Nos T. O'maniacNOUADHIBOU, Mauritania
183 - To the Hinterlands (Dakhlet Nouadhibou, Mauritania)
183 - To the Hinterlands (Dakhlet Nouadhibou, Mauritania)

If “nowhere” is on your bucket list, northwest Mauritania is, at the very least, on the way—a land of enchanting desolation where the “nothingness” surrounding you still has a “somethingness” quality. This explains why I wasn’t the slightest bit bored sitting in a vehicle for hours staring into the void. Mesmerizing, captivating, and a whole slew of other adjectives can’t do it justice.

At one point, we pulled off the sand track for a short respite. Ahmed wanted a break. It was teatime. Tea, for Mauritanians, is only slightly less important than breathing and procreation. Watching locals pour tea back and forth from their miniature pot into minuscule shot glasses…

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Mauritania, Batch 32by Mr. Nos T. O'maniacMauritania, Dakhlet Nouadhibou, Moors, Tmeimchitt
184 - Love & Al Qaeda (Ben Amera, Mauritania)
184 - Love & Al Qaeda (Ben Amera, Mauritania)

After a circuit of Aisha, we paused in the shade beneath an outcrop protrusion for the all-important tea interval. It was then Ahmed laid out his future business plan and intent to open an auberge (inn) in Nouadhibou. He needed someone to run it. Thus began a not-so-subtle pitch directed at a certain redhead in our party. This was the second time he lobbed hints at Leslie. And, just like the first, his spiel began while I was out of earshot (taking pictures on this occasion). When I entered the conversation, it didn’t occur to me only one of us was qualified for the position (i.e. possessed birthing hips and a comely appearance.) I briefly entertained the idea of working for Ahmed and engaging in a…

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Mauritania, Batch 32by Mr. Nos T. O'maniacBen Amera, Mauritania, Al Qaeda
185 - The Road to Terjit (Adrar Region, Mauritania)
185 - The Road to Terjit (Adrar Region, Mauritania)

In Atar, we settled at Bab Sahara, a quaint auberge catering to overland traffic. Ahmed was beginning to grind on us. His prevarications, equivocations, and bullshitations became less and less amusing. A cold, harsh reality set in—Leslie would not be his bride (insert link). This, we suspect, was his primary motivation for agreeing to guide us. Now that this was off the table, he couldn’t bother to give a shit. The world had become that much bleaker.

I did the only thing I could—I ordered Leslie to give him a little sugar, put some extra sass in her step, string him along just enough to feed his motivation… um, no. If he thought he had a shot, he might have strangled me in my sleep.,.,.

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Mauritania, Batch 32by Mr. Nos T. O'maniacBen Amera, Choum, Atar, Bab Sahara, Terjit
186 - Terjit-Chinguetti-Tanouchert (Adrar Region, Mauritania)
186 - Terjit-Chinguetti-Tanouchert (Adrar Region, Mauritania)

Ahmed resisted. First, he said something about insurance, claiming if something happened to Joris, he’ d be liable. Um, ‘kay. Liable to who? Was he not already liable for us? What if he’d been with us from the start? What’s the difference? I mustered all my powers of empathy to see his point of view. He wasn’t helping.

He mentioned phoning his sister in Nouakchott and asking her to speak with somebody for some reason to accomplish something. (She was chummy with someone important.) Then he highlighted a tax that had to be paid. As I tried to…

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Batch 32, Mauritaniaby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacTerjit, Chinguetti, Tanouchert, Adrar Region
187 - Kerfuffle In The Void (Ouadane, Mauritania)
187 - Kerfuffle In The Void (Ouadane, Mauritania)

We had the brilliant idea to capture our exercise in futility (i.e. negotiations) on video… without telling Ahmed. We wanted him relaxed and natural, not tense and artificial. Why would we commit such a colossally stupid and insensitive act? I can assure you there was no malicious intent. We figured trying to capture the essence of our constant skirmishes would be a unique souvenir and something we’d cherish viewing for years to come. 

He caught on and was extremely displeased. For twenty minutes, he went off, using the word “espionage” with a demeanor more appropriate for a spy film. He was angry. We understood. We apologized repeatedly. He kept firing away, highlighting a lack of respect. He had a point. No one could argue….

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Batch 32, Mauritaniaby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacOuadane, Richat Structure, Guelb er Richat, rock hyrax
188 - Lolly Gagging & Large Women (Nouakchott, Mauritania)
188 - Lolly Gagging & Large Women (Nouakchott, Mauritania)

Off to the appropriate office (Surete) to get an extension. Our visa expired on the 30th. We went on the 21st. We asked for two weeks. We paid $17 US. Upon receiving our passports, we discovered our extension began on the 21st, not the 30th. Muchas gracias. So, we paid $17 for an extra five days. In the immortal words of Homer Simpson, "Doh!” 

We returned the next morning and, after explaining our situation, were met with a smile and a quick fix. Mr. Visa Man drew a “1” through the “0” to turn “Dec. 05” into “Dec. 15.” Et viola! Doesn't get any more official than that…

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Batch 32, Mauritaniaby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacMauritania, Nouakchott
189 - The Bag of Life (Nouakchott to Bamako)
189 - The Bag of Life (Nouakchott to Bamako)

Although the journey took forty hours, we spent eleven sitting at the border of Mauritania and Mali with our thumbs securely up our asses. We arrived around 1 a.m. groggy and bleary-eyed. Before I knew what the hell was happening, I'd handed someone my passport and was shuffled off into darkness. After I regained my senses, I realized we were standing on the Mauritanian side with nary a clue. Two minutes after kicking us out, the doors closed and the lights went out. Allow passengers to sleep on the bus? Are you mental? Let them sleep in the filth, I say!

Outside, I found a long line of voyagers sleeping on the ground. This included my group and another from Mali that had been waiting since 4:00 p.m. Misery loves company. We had a lot of company.

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Mauritania, Batch 33by Mr. Nos T. O'maniacMauritania
190 - Mali Timeline
190 - Mali Timeline

11th century - Empire of Mali becomes dominant force in the upper Niger basin, its period of greatness beginning under King Sundiata in 1235 and peaking under Mansa Musa who ruled between 1312 and 1337 and extended empire to the Atlantic.

14th-15th centuries - Decline of the Empire of Mali, which loses dominance of the gold trade to the Songhai Empire, which makes its base in Timbuktu - historically important as a focal point of Islamic culture and a trading post on the trans-Saharan caravan route.

Late 16th century - Moroccans defeat the Songhai, make Timbuktu their capital and rule until their decline in the 18th century.

19th century - French colonial advance, and Islamic religious wars which lead to creation of theocratic states….

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Mali, Batch 33by Mr. Nos T. O'maniacMali
191 - Sand Diggers, Fetish Extravaganza, and Bamako 911 (Bamako, Mali)
191 - Sand Diggers, Fetish Extravaganza, and Bamako 911 (Bamako, Mali)

Mali isn’t cheap. As one might expect, there are two economies: local and tourist. Accommodation? Overpriced. Food? Overpriced. Cultural tour? Overpriced. Everything related to tourists? Overpriced. If you’re an affluent French tourist with limited world travel experience on a package vacation, you might disagree. Many seemed to be enjoying their time. 

Our first outing brought us thirty kilometers downstream from Bamako on the Niger River, a quirky side trip that proved to be fascinating. When our guide (Ibrahim) described it, I had no idea what we were in for. His accent was difficult to decipher. We were going on an afternoon boat trip to see some people engage in some activity somewhere. Sign me up…

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Batch 33, Maliby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacMali, Bamako, Sand Diggers, Fetish Market
192 - Segou, Say Me; Say It Together... Naturally (Segou, Mali)
192 - Segou, Say Me; Say It Together... Naturally (Segou, Mali)

On the way back to Segou, we spent time at a couple of Bozo fishing villages. And no, these are not carnival enclaves filled with fishing clowns (although the temptation to utter things like “Hey, look at those Bozos” or “What's that Bozo doing” was overwhelming). The first was a market village where folks gather once a week to sell their catch across the river in Segou. The second was an actual fishing village where we saw nets being hand-made and piles of fish traps ready to be deployed along the coast. Our guide showed us his modest home and introduced us to a nearby family that graciously offered us tea.

While strolling through the village, we soon attracted an entourage of small children, some of which clasped our hands and shadowed us for the duration...

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Batch 33, Maliby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacSegou, Mali, Kalabougou, Bambara, Bozo, Fulani
193 - Peter Pan & The Mud Brick Mosque (Djenne, Mali)
193 - Peter Pan & The Mud Brick Mosque (Djenne, Mali)

Djenne is dominated by the central square containing the Great Mosque of Djenne, composed almost entirely of mud bricks and wooden spars. The mosque is the largest adobe building in the world. The current structure dates from 1907. It’s a wonder to behold, although “supremely elegant” might be pushing it. When I hear “supremely elegant,” I think of a high-priced hooker, not a sacred UNESCO site. “Elegance” comes at a price. Mud brick isn’t known for longevity, so every year after the rains, the mosque must be repaired. People from the surrounding area come together to assist with improvements. The wooden spars you see jutting from the structure not only provide support but also aid in reconstruction efforts, serving as a scaffolding. Mosque repair has taken on a pilgrimage quality…

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Batch 33, Maliby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacPeter Pan, Djenne, Great Mosque of Djenne
194 - Juju Man (Djenne, Mali)
194 - Juju Man (Djenne, Mali)

Leslie and I sat back, drank tea, and watched two men craft ours. All you need is goat leather and a verse from the Koran, at least in that village. Sori told me much care goes into choosing the verse… unless you’re a tourist. Then, I guess, any old verse will do… or a blank piece of paper, a hex, a knock-knock joke, a recipe for dolma, or a naughty poem for that matter. What was in ours? Who the hells knows? One mustn't forget the Juju Golden Rule: Juju onto others as wish them to juju onto you. 

The paper is folded and encased in leather (rectangular), covered with a curing concoction, and fastened to the end of a strap, then tied to a belt or the like and worn underneath the clothes near the waist. We “consecrated” our juju by joining hands while the craftsman uttered phrases in Fulani.…

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Mali, Batch 33by Mr. Nos T. O'maniacDjenne, Juju, Bozo, Voodoo
195 - Speed Boat to Grumpyville (Mopti, Mali)
195 - Speed Boat to Grumpyville (Mopti, Mali)

When we disembarked in Mopti, neither of us was in the mood for the fusillade of touts (Taxi? Pinnace? Dogon? Hotel?) that began their assault the moment our feet touched the ground. I felt like tearing out a gob of hair and screaming. Leslie, a mild-mannered female, appeared as if she might start swinging. We managed to negotiate the onslaught and make our way to a hotel with the help of a local guide… that gave us his card… and offered to guide us to Dogon. (Days later, when I ran into this gentleman again, he demanded I return his card.) After getting a room, I loitered in the lobby area talking with another Malian gentleman… that gave me his card… and offered to guide me to Dogon….

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Mali, Batch 34by Mr. Nos T. O'maniacMopti, Mali, Niger River